I am returning to my blog people. I don't think anyone even reads this so maybe I should address myself.
"Gabe, you are returning to your blog." "great! i am glad you're back!"
okay.
As the title reads, I am traveling to atlanta today to see my favorite band, Radiohead! This will be my second show and I have seen no clips, videos, write ups, or first hand accounts of recent shows so I am entering into this with no idea of what it will be like. To me, that is so exciting. I have no expectations and so every new song or piece of stage magic will be a surprise. I will indeed savor it. I look forward to giving an account of the show and the trip as I will be traveling with three dear friends.
More to come my loyal readers!!!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Satisfaction
Fleeting is the term that comes to mind on this topic. Well duh..... That's the response right? Yes it is fleeting. No things aren't always great. Blah blah blah. The only problem with all of that is, it does absolutely nothing for you when you are experiencing the drift of purpose or meaning or well, satisfaction.
Yesterday was an ecclesiastical day for me. Not as in the "pertaining to the church" way but in the pejorative sense. I awoke, I worked, I ate, I read, I entertained myself, viewed various media sources from various sized screens, I laid listlessly,I played music, I felt sorry for myself, I video gamed, I (fill in your fruitless activity here) etc,etc,etc... The point is, I had the kind of day where nothing could satisfy a hunger that was inside of me. I thought that the fault was in these things I was pursuing but in truth, I had no idea what I was hungry for. I wanted something that can't be had. Tim Keller would probably call it existential angst. The thing that is at our foundation saying "in this world, some things are not as they should be and until the next arrives, it won't feel right."
It is rare that i come face to face with this core truth. It is frightening to be honest because the one obvious option is despair. I hate despair. It is so debilitating and can sneak upon you quite subtly... I guess just naming the angst above drains some of it's power. I feel comforted knowing that comfort doesn't always come. Is that a paradox in my thinking? I guess it just helps me to know that this feeling is normal and should be expected to descend at various times in life. Thank God it is not the end of the story.
Yesterday was an ecclesiastical day for me. Not as in the "pertaining to the church" way but in the pejorative sense. I awoke, I worked, I ate, I read, I entertained myself, viewed various media sources from various sized screens, I laid listlessly,I played music, I felt sorry for myself, I video gamed, I (fill in your fruitless activity here) etc,etc,etc... The point is, I had the kind of day where nothing could satisfy a hunger that was inside of me. I thought that the fault was in these things I was pursuing but in truth, I had no idea what I was hungry for. I wanted something that can't be had. Tim Keller would probably call it existential angst. The thing that is at our foundation saying "in this world, some things are not as they should be and until the next arrives, it won't feel right."
It is rare that i come face to face with this core truth. It is frightening to be honest because the one obvious option is despair. I hate despair. It is so debilitating and can sneak upon you quite subtly... I guess just naming the angst above drains some of it's power. I feel comforted knowing that comfort doesn't always come. Is that a paradox in my thinking? I guess it just helps me to know that this feeling is normal and should be expected to descend at various times in life. Thank God it is not the end of the story.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The Drag
So, today was a creative day. I am a musician and lately these creative days are few and far between. I am trying to discover if this is my own fault or not. Why do I think it is my own fault? LAZINESS. I am an inherently lazy person. I have fought it for years. In college it was the battle of dragging myself to the practice room. Post college it is the gym. Or writing or composing. Or making a phone call. Or taking a shower. Or picking a restaurant. Or getting out of bed. Inertia is a way of life it seems. This recurring theme has puzzled me throughout.
Why do i find it so hard to get up and do something I love? I have a default lazy setting. Now some of you might say, "we're all lazy", but no we are not. Some of you get up and get 'em every day. Some of you are so afraid of laziness that you drown in work work work.... I envy this position. So is overcoming inertia like steadily building a muscle to lift heavier and heavier objects? This is starting to make sense to me.
The fact is, it sucks to be weak and try to lift something heavy. It is discouraging and therefore, if you suffer from chronic inertia, can become very depressing. It is a simple matter of flexing that muscle and lately, I have realized that my creative chops have gone into atrophy. I am resolving to get up and go so to speak. This is my goal; I will start creating on a regular basis. There. I said it. Regular. Good luck self. As a caution, just know that this blog, for example, may soon become a victim of my serial inertia. We'll just have to see...
Why do i find it so hard to get up and do something I love? I have a default lazy setting. Now some of you might say, "we're all lazy", but no we are not. Some of you get up and get 'em every day. Some of you are so afraid of laziness that you drown in work work work.... I envy this position. So is overcoming inertia like steadily building a muscle to lift heavier and heavier objects? This is starting to make sense to me.
The fact is, it sucks to be weak and try to lift something heavy. It is discouraging and therefore, if you suffer from chronic inertia, can become very depressing. It is a simple matter of flexing that muscle and lately, I have realized that my creative chops have gone into atrophy. I am resolving to get up and go so to speak. This is my goal; I will start creating on a regular basis. There. I said it. Regular. Good luck self. As a caution, just know that this blog, for example, may soon become a victim of my serial inertia. We'll just have to see...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Rings and Rings
I am wading. For twenty minutes or so i was lost with no tether, no shore and no preserve. This is what was passing through the fog as I stared at my desk tonight. ultimately it is either malaise or a pathetic middle class boredom. Some might know it as the luxury of worry. I know it as my life. A day that is composed of selfish and trite concerns is a luxury that has been dearly bought in this land. I worry about money (an easy target i know) in terms of lack of excess as opposed to lack of actual provision. I worry about eating too much. I worry about dust on my dash board. It is a luxurious life and i am starting to realize how infectious the luxury of worry can be. I see it in my friends. In strangers. In my family. It is a luxury that we take for granted and most would never even consider it a luxury at all, but a right or an entitlement. How can it be a considered a luxury to worry? Is it not a luxury to worry about jeans? To want an enormous home? To hate the way someone drives? Is it not a luxury to elevate personal tics, habits and desires to a fetishistic level? Have i fetishized my own existence?It is frustrating to say the least. Where is the escape hatch? I am thinking of a friends concept of being released from the dead end that is our own personal trivia. I am thinking he is right. Actually caring about someone or something besides myself seems to be the only point of departure.
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